i’m not self sufficient

After a fitful night’s sleep, with a couple of trips to the fridge for ice cold water, I woke up at seven am local time. It feels hotter than yesterday. It might not be at all, it may just be that I am simply feeling it is still too warm and thinking it’s hotter than ever is one way of processing that.

In the time of the British Empire, the British would retreat to the cooler hills. I can understand the sense in that, although I think there may have been a myth around that native Delhites could withstand the heat more easily, which I don’t think is true. No one here likes it this hot either.

It’s supposed to be monsoon season, but it has only rained three times this month, and the forecast is for more dry weather.

On the theme of expectations, Suvidya is supposed to be coming over this morning. That’s a reasonably easy expectation to hold lightly, as I still have five full days here to do what I came to do, which shouldn’t take all of that time.

A more difficult expectation to let go of is that it is possible for me to be self-sufficient here, or that I should be able to, and that it’s okay to ask for help when I need it. Not wanting to ask for help does come out of wanting people to see me in a particular way – or perhaps in wanting them not to see particular parts of me at all.

This was tested this morning as I struggled to close the tap on the water filter, having filled the kettle, a water bottle and then having a jug on the floor to catch the water as I struggled to close the tap I knew it was time to ask for help. And it wasn’t a problem at all.

All the evidence is that people are happy to help and I am more than looked after, so I know my fears are to do with my own bonbu nature, rather than any reality.

Even if it does become a problem to ask for help, in other people’s eyes, I’m not sure that’s a good enough reason not to ask anyway. Part of the practice of letting go of expectations is being able to be with whatever reaction occurs…

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