We usually come to therapy because we are unhappy, or dissatisfied; because we want to change.

Often, what we want to change from is feeling anxious or depressed. Anxiety can be like a constant worrying, both in the mind and in the body, it can be a feeling of being on edge, of always being ready to fight or flee, of being hyper aware of what might go wrong at any moment. Depression is like a dark blanket that covers everything, feeling flat or numb, a loss of energy, not being able to think clearly, a lack of enthusiasm for life, and a deep sense of nothing being right.

How can therapy help any of this?

In my experience therapy works in two different ways, each of which support the other, and support the client to move in a positive direction.

We could say the first of these is conscious, and the second unconscious.

The conscious aspect is what we talk about the in the therapy.  We talk about things in order to make them clearer, and to understand the situation we find ourselves in. Through this process we begin to see where some of our unhelpful patterns of thought and behaviour have come from. Sometimes we pick up bad habits from others. Sometimes our bad habits are small acts of rebellion. Often they started out as ways of keeping ourselves safe in difficult circumstances.

A deeper understanding of these patterns means that we’re less likely to fall into them.

In this conscious aspect of therapy, we might even take away some ‘homework’: exercises to help us think and feel in new ways, anything from watching how our feelings change through the week, to keeping a gratitude list, to experimenting with new ways of behaving.

The unconscious aspect is to do with the relationship between the client and the therapist: the process of being in relationship and responding to one another. The job of the therapist is to remain steady, whatever happens, to keep an open mind, to move towards a position of feeling warmth towards the client.

As human beings we surround ourselves with people who support our view of our self and the world. If we are anxious or depressed, it’s almost as if those conditions want to continue, and they push us into places, and into relationships, that make that more likely. We isolate ourselves, or feel drawn towards people and situations that support our dysfunctional ways of thinking.

The therapist is a different kind of person. They stay open and warm towards the client, without getting drawn into to supporting these dysfunctional habits and ideas. This has a powerful effect on the client, who begins to feel less afraid of change, and of moving towards more positive ways of being.

As the client begins to trust the therapist, they also begin to trust themselves, and to trust in the possibility of being different in the world: of being happier.

We could say some of the good qualities of the therapist begin to rub off on the client.

Both of these aspects work together. As we begin to understand ourselves, and consciously practice new ways of being, our trust begins to grow.

As our trust grows, it becomes easier to understand ourselves, and to try out new ways of being in the world.

Both of these aspects work to help us move away from anxiety and depression, towards a positive way of being.

email kaspa@thebuddhsittherapist.comto book in a first session, via Skype or face to face.

I sat facing a blank page for about an hour this morning. Occasionally I wrote a few words and then I deleted them. They didn’t feel like the beginning of anything worthwhile.

I wrote about my oldest cat sleeping at my feet. I wrote about the squirrel stealing peanuts from the bird feeder. I wrote about the new seedlings we have just planted out. And then I deleted all of the words and there was the blank page.

I opened my favourite social media sites and closed them again. I browsed the news headlines. I looked out of the window. I looked at the blank page.

I thought a change of scene might help so I went and walked around the garden. It was cold and the sun was hiding behind grey clouds, and although I half-planned where new flower beds might be I didn’t think of anything to write about.

I came back inside and started to make a cup of tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil I remembered an old friend that I had been meaning to write to for a little while.

We used to be in regular contact but for reasons I don’t completely understand communication seemed to break down this year. We kept missing each other, arranging to meet and not quite managing it, and then we just stopped talking to each other…

For a while I thought I might hear something from them, and then I put it out of my mind and got on with all of the things I have to do: seeing clients, running a temple and running my mindfulness classes. Or at least I thought I had put it out of my mind, but every now and again I would find myself telling other friends about what had happened. Eventually I realised that I hadn’t really let this go at all and that’s when I decided to write to them.

That was sometime last week. I could have carved out time to write before today but the immediate demands on my time allowed me to keep distracting myself – until this morning when I was faced with a blank page.

I couldn’t get started on this article because something else, the un-written letter, was getting in the way.

Mark Twain said, “If it’s your job to eat a frog, it’s best to do it first thing in the morning. And if it’s your job to eat two frogs, it’s best to eat the biggest one first.”

The un-written letter, that I was nervous about writing, was the biggest frog and I kept pushing it to the side of my plate.

I brought my cup of tea back up to my office and wrote the letter. As I wrote it the worries I had around how it might be received disappeared. This friend and I have had a strong relationship in the past and I’m sure it will be received in a good spirit. I hope so at least.

Having swallowed the biggest frog I was able to sit down and write this article.

I’ve learnt this lesson many times before, but I still sometimes find a way of pushing the biggest frog to one side.

If there is something to be done – get on and do it. Putting it off can take just as much energy and can stop you from doing anything else.

What’s your biggest frog today?

This article also appeared in All About Malvern